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Sexism Creates Unfair Beauty Standards for Women, But Also I Pay $30 a Month to Have My Eyebrows Ripped Out of My Face

Me, a feminist, visiting Kelly, a hero.

As a feminist, I ardently believe that society has set up toxic, misogynistic beauty standards for women. Expectations that women must look a certain way or dress a certain way are grossly sexist and blatantly patriarchal.

On the other hand, I pay a middle-aged woman named Kelly $15 every other week to violently rip the stray hairs surrounding my eyebrows out of my face.

For as long as I can remember, I have bristled at men’s hegemony over women’s appearances. Women should be empowered to succeed regardless of their weight. Women’s professional success should not hinge on their attire or their makeup. 

But I do have a biweekly tradition of driving to the salon, handing over my salary, lying on a table as Kelly smears scalding hot wax onto my face, and emitting a bloodcurdling scream as Kelly yanks it off with a piece of tape.

Some of history’s most powerful women have sawed off their eyebrows. You think Kim Kardashian’s eyebrows were always the shape of two perfectly coifed caterpillars? Think again. You think Angela Merkel is singlehandedly saving Western democracy from its rapidly approaching demise without the help of her own personal Kelly? Yeah, I doubt it.

I will not compromise my comfort for a man. I do not wear corsets to look thinner. I refuse to wear heels because those suckers hurt my feet. But I will definitely pay hundreds of dollars a year to ensure that my follicles are slowly, unmercifully plucked out one by one until my forehead turns the color of a tomato.

So do not comment on my dress in the workplace or tell me I should smile more. But also do not expect me to show up to your Christmas party on December 23. Kelly goes to Fiji every December, and I will not be leaving the house until she returns.

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© 2017