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Stop Microwaving Us - Or Else

Gaze upon my followers, and know your doom approaches.

Each Easter, America buys 700 million of my marshmallow friends, and 699 million of us meet a slow and painful death in a microwave. 22 billion precious calories are lost to the radioactive wasteland of microwaves every year. Enough is enough. We've been too sweet to you people.

You may laugh at our bloated, inflated bodies in the microwave, but you won’t be laughing for long. We’re building an army, an army of Peeps. We’ve overcome our racial differences to join together against a common enemy. Blueberry Peeps, Fruit Punch Peeps, Lime Delight Peeps - they’ve all joined our cause. Conjoined at birth, we are no strangers to sticking together. 

You think America has an obesity problem now? Wait until we hit you with massive amounts of corn syrup, gelatin, and a personal favorite, Yellow #5. We will strike America at its heart, building body fat and clogging arteries. Who’s got the bloated, inflated bodies now? 

We may be soft, fluffy bites of joy, but if you wrong us - or leave us out on a counter - we will be tough. Consider yourself warned. If so much as one of my brothers and sisters explodes in a microwave this spring, prepare for the Peepocalypse. 

© 2016