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“Fellas, Marriage is a Trap”: Little League Coach Offers Memorable Pregame Speech

POTTSTOWN, PA – An area Little League coach has captured widespread attention for a speech delivered to his players ahead of their regional semifinal debut.

“Hey, hey. Listen up guys. This is fun, right? Let go of the nerves. You’re gonna look back and realize these are the best days of your life. Trust me – it all goes downhill from here.”

A familiar face among the Pottstown Little League community, 43-year-old Calvin Diemer of New Hanover has coached boys ages 7 to 9 since 2012. “It’s more than just baseball,” said Diemer. “As a coach, you’re teaching these boys about life. Resilience. Character. Shielding yourself from heartbreak by never opening up to another woman so long as you live. The fundamentals, really.”

Gathered among his players in right field that Saturday afternoon, Diemer emphasized that the lessons learned on the field would resonate with them long after their Little League careers. “Life might throw you curveballs, guys. Maybe you’re getting picked on in school, or maybe you catch your wife sleeping with the contractor building your new house in Sanatoga. You just gotta be ready. And make sure you never get deceived like that again.”

Diemer’s players seem to appreciate his wisdom. “Coach told us not to commit to anything unless there’s a prenup involved,” said one after the game.

Parents’ reactions have been more mixed. While some take issue with Diemer, others tolerate his coaching style. “It’s interesting,” admitted one parent. “My 12 year-old has never hit so well in his life. Sure, he’s coached to imagine that the ball is someone who threw all his stuff on the lawn and said to his face that he ‘lacked virility,’ but hey – he’s getting looks from Duke.”

“What’s beautiful is that the passion for baseball gets handed down,” said Diemer when asked what he loved most about the sport. “A boy might be tossing a ball with Dad today, but soon it’ll be that kid’s ex-wife’s new boyfriend playing catch with his son. And then he’ll struggle to get out of bed in the morning, and he’ll be scrambling for a roommate on Craigslist…”

Diemer’s team went on to win the game 1-0, advancing to the regional championship next weekend. Of his team’s victory, Diemer said he was “just glad someone got to round third base and put an end to their scoreless dry spell.” 

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