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Administration Notifies Students About Boston Tea Party

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to numerous reports, students received an e-mail notification at 4:31 PM yesterday alerting them of the Boston Tea Party. “Between 7:07 and 10:25pm on a Thursday approximately 12,492 weeks ago, a domestic terror cell calling itself the ‘Sons of Liberty’ commandeered a civilian merchant vessel and destroyed its cargo,” the message, titled “Harvard Alert,” read in part. A follow-up “Message Me” text notification went on to say that no immediate threat related to the attack was identified on campus at any point in the last 240 years.


            Many students later criticized the administration’s delayed response time. “It’s not that I wasn’t aware of the whole Boston Tea Party situation without Harvard letting me know about it,” said junior Elianna G. Stankiewicz, who admitted to having done a project on the Boston Tea Party in the fourth grade. “Still, you want to know that they’re going to be on the ball when the campus is in real danger. This just shows that they’re not ready.”

© 2013