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Amish Develop First Nuclear Weapon

The Hooley family prepares for a tense standoff.

LANCASTER COUNTY, PA -- In a move sending shockwaves throughout the nation, Amish Bishop Jebodiah Grant announced the first successful test of the Pennsylvania Dutch nuclear weapons program. A model of the device, two chunks of uranium in a wooden bucket, was on display during the press conference. “Never again will the highfalutin' New Englanders look down upon the Plain people as weak,” Grant announced to a barn packed with journalists. “Today we have proven that one does not need fancy, non-mule-based technology to be powerful in this world.”

A council of the governors of the New England states and New York responded to the announcement with a tersely worded message that "further provocative actions by the Amish regime will not be tolerated." It also voted to enact an embargo on agricultural products in order to pressure Grant to put the uranium back in the ground where he found it. The Amish responded by mobilizing a fleet of nuclear-armed horse-drawn buggies to block the Pennsylvania Turnpike, which carries approximately 1% of all trade to New England. 

As trade slows, Boston residents could see prices for household goods rise by as much as two cents, and Harvard University has announced that it will speed up plans to develop a synthetic squash in order to prevent supply disruptions.

© 2012