and entering

Area Boy Reassures Parents Browsing History Result of Russian Hack

As a teenage boy, Carter is clearly qualified to make such a claim.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Citing past examples including the DNC database and Donald Trump’s election victory, local high school freshman Jacob Carter explained to his parents that the browsing history on the family computer was the result of a Russian hack.

“Mom, Dad, trust me, I’m as astounded as you are,” Carter reportedly told his parents last night. “These sites are offensive and absurd, so typical of the Russians. They’re rigging the system against hard-working students like me. They're trying to subvert us from within!”

Jennifer Carter, upon hearing her son’s rationale, expressed her support. “Oh of course I believe him. Only those meddling Russians would insert into Jake's browsing history! This just like when the NSA monitored his computer in eighth grade and he couldn’t turn in that civics paper,” said Ms. Carter, shaking her head as she printed a few precautionary posters to distribute across the neighborhood.

Carter went on to download a data wiping extension onto his family computer and personal MacBook Air, which, he assured his parents, “works like a charm” to keep those pesky Ruskies out of their family’s network. “I’m just thankful I can finally get back to some uninterrupted, productive studying,” the fifteen-year-old remarked as he closed his bedroom door.

At press time, Carter reportedly refused to pick up “that sock from eight days ago” on the living room floor that was “absolutely left there by that Russian spy across the street.”

© 2017