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Area Child Can’t Wait For Crushing Bleakness of Adulthood

Smith stares into the abyss, and the abyss stares back.

BOSTON, MA –- After accompanying his father on bring-your-child-to-work day, local second grader Timmy Smith couldn’t wait to just grow up already and be a real-life adult.

“I just want to be able to do all the intellectually stimulating stuff my dad does. Today for example, he’s been on the computer for six hours straight and no one’s told him ‘time up’s’ or ‘you have to share,’” he noted.

Timmy was quick to describe the tribulations of second-grade life.

“Being a kid stinks. I have so much free time that I’m always bored. I mean, really, you don’t get to do any of the fun stuff adults do, like staying up late figuring out how to pay an ever-growing pile of bills,” he said. “I can’t wait till I’m done with the one period in my life where I don’t have to worry about anything whatsoever.”

According to Timmy, kids also miss out on a lot of other “neat” things adults get to experience, like “getting mail” or “chronic alcoholism.” Despite his frustrations, Timmy remains optimistic and has a detailed plan for his future.

“I’ll toil through fourteen more years of school and college,” he said. “But things will really pick up when I graduate and buy the cheapest car I can find to make an hour-long commute daily to an unfulfilling job where I’ll be overworked and underpaid for forty or so years as I struggle to pay off my student loans before retiring with benefits that are only likely to decrease over my lifetime.”

Timmy did acknowledge that he wasn’t sure how things would go when he walked into the office this morning. But after spending most of the day in his father’s cubicle, he knew he had found his calling.

“Being an adult will be so much better,” he asserted. “I’ll become a nameless automaton in the rat race that is corporate America in order to fund my spiraling consumerism, all the while attempting to find the happiness that will ultimately elude me my entire life but for fleeting moments, before I succumb to the inexorable creep of time.”

“I can’t believe I wanted to be an astronaut when I was younger,” he said. “I was so naïve."

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