and entering

Area Family Offsets Their Quarantine Sleep Schedules After Realizing They Can't Stand Each Other

Aw, look at them, paragons of social distancing!

SAINT PAUL, MN – In the hopes of reducing the spread of COVID-19, households across the country have been hunkering down at home. As a result, tensions between roommates, couples, and families have been on the rise as they rediscover every reason they hate the people they live with. The Sherman family of Saint Paul, Minnesota, initially struggled with their sudden proximity until they realized that offsetting their sleep schedules would allow them to avoid each other as much as possible.

Elaine Sherman, wife to Alan Sherman and mother to Ricky (20), Mikaela (18), Kendall (15), and Jeremy (2), came up with the idea after just 3 days of quarantine. “It’s been so long since we’ve had the whole family at home,” Elaine explained. “I forgot how annoying they can be.” She started keeping notes of every time someone in her family did something mildly bothersome and quickly realized that if she didn’t act quickly, she was not going to have enough Ibuprofen to soothe the migraine that would inevitably set in. A picture of a page of Elaine’s notes was anonymously posted to the “Quarantine Fails” Twitter account.

"Day 2 – Monday, March 23rd

Kendall – Learned the Renegade dance and has made it her goal to teach all of us so we can go viral on the app “Tick Tock.” When we didn’t comply, she accused us of not supporting her career. Did we not give her enough attention as a baby or something??

Mikaela – Keeps yelling at me for not having vegan snacks, but I saw her eating shredded cheddar cheese straight from the bag. Her superiority complex obviously hasn’t gotten any better, and all the pot she’s smoking doesn’t make her any less uptight.

Alan – Constantly jingling his keys and asking, “Who’s ready to rock and roll?” before realizing there is nowhere to neither rock nor roll and then spending the next 20 minutes staring blankly at his own reflection in the microwave door.

Jeremy – Learning how to climb things on his own and he’s ruining the furniture because his hands are always sticky. Why are his hands always sticky?

Ricky – Not letting quarantine affect his dedication to schoolwork. He asked me to order him safety goggles, a Bunsen burner, and hydroiodic acid. I am so proud of his passion for science. He also asked where we keep the Sudafed – I hope he doesn’t have Coronavirus!"

Mikaela Sherman, who admitted to posting the list online, has since come to support her mother’s idea to offset sleep schedules. “At first, I was offended, because it kinda seemed like she hates all of us, but now I get it. If it means I don’t have to hear Ricky ask Mom how to spread cream cheese on a bagel for the 4th time this week, I will gladly go to bed at 2pm every day,” Mikaela stated. An added bonus is the brief window in which every Sherman is awake except for one. Says Elaine, “We use that time to talk shit about them.”

Image Credit:

© 2020