and entering

Area Kid Declares National Emergency To Get More Ice Cream

screaming boy
"I didn't need to do this! I could've gotten the ice cream eventually!" screams Jeffery

SEATTLE, WA — Earlier this afternoon, 8-year-old Jeffrey Fuller shocked legislators, political pundits, and third graders across the globe by declaring a National Emergency in order to secure 5.7 scoops of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream.

Harold and Diane Fuller immediately slammed their son’s decision as a hasty and illegal attempt to subvert their control over the top three shelves of the freezer. After a 35-minute standoff earlier this morning, Harold and Diane had agreed to grant Jeffery 1.375 scoops. Underwhelmed by the offer, the 4-foot-2 political wonderkind took matters into his own hands.

Under the Childhood Emergencies Act of 2011, Jeffrey has the power to appropriate ice cream without parental approval when it is absolutely necessary to combat malnutrition, heat stroke, hypoglycemia, and other medical emergencies. The young Fuller cited “tummy ache” as a justification for his emergency declaration, although this ailment has yet to be confirmed by medical professionals.

While many children are sympathetic to Jeffrey’s demand for more substantive deserts, some believe his drastic action sets a dangerous precedent.  

“This is of dubious legality at best” said Gabby Liu, a third-grade classmate of Jeffrey’s. “Can Timmy over there just fake a boo-boo and steal the animal crackers from my lunchbox? If he does, I swear I will plaster his ass on the walls.”

Concerned students are expected to swiftly challenge Fuller’s declaration in the courts. Specifically, the Tetherball courts, at recess.

Ben & Jerry’s could not be reached for a comment on this event.


© 2019