CLEVELAND, OH -- Furrowing his brow as he took stock of his reflection in the four-by-eight mirror hanging on his wall, area man Pat Gray determined that the reflection of his naked body was definitely a few pounds above his actual weight.

“Yep,” said the 27-year-old telemarketer, shaking his head. “A few pounds off.”

After licking his finger to scrub away at an imaginary blemish on the mirror’s laser-cut glass surface, Gray was reportedly still unsatisfied with his appearance.

“The problem with these cheap-o manufactured mirrors is the careless lack of attention to detail,” he said, completely oblivious of the automated nature of 21st-century mirror production. “I guess they just don’t make 'em like they used to.”

To absolutely no one, Gray gestured at the mirror and claimed that the muscle tone of his bicep was not properly displayed by the flawless sheet of aluminum glass that thousands of years of work in the field of ray optics indicate functions at a degree of perfection far exceeding Gray’s ability to discern minute errors in his vision field.

“Let’s see if I can’t fix this up, eh?” added Gray.

Gray then walked across the room to grab the tape measure he had last used to measure the length of his penis and proceeded to obtain the perimeter and diagonal cross sections of the reflection device.

“48 by 72,” said Gray, reaching for the pencil resting behind his ear. “And -- 54? Yep. That’s the issue. Where’s my Allen wrench?”

At press time, Gray was still searching for his wrench, which he had accidentally placed in the return packaging of the Bowflex he had tried and failed to assemble last spring.