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Area Man Starts Podcast Instead of Going to Therapy

The move to the format was inevitable, according to all known sources.

BOSTON SUBURBS - William Conrad has just released the first episode of his new podcast, “Can You Hear Me?” this past Monday. It is a podcast in which he will talk to a microphone for 3+ hours a week, giving his thoughts on everything from the presidential race (he was for Biden from the beginning) to why he believes his dressing up in a sombrero for Cinco de Mayo is not cultural appropriation (Conrad is white, and the only time listeners report he discusses diversity is when he mentions that he is related to Abraham Lincoln, and that he actually really cares about Black History Month).

Sources say that Conrad’s recent need to spill all his thoughts in a format that no one asked for stems from the fact that his father never really loved him. His casually dropping in his accomplishments each episode (“This is just like the time I scored the only goal in my soccer game…” “Sorry guys, I’m kind of annoyed today because I only got an A- on a paper….”) are pleas to his father- who is not listening- to be proud of him. Hopefully podcasting will help Conrad's self-esteem and distract him from his sad hobby of giving sharply backhanded compliments.

When asked about the name of his podcast, “Can You Hear Me?” Conrad noted that it was inspired by his feeling of not being heard in the world. “I mean, as a descendant of President Abraham Lincoln, I really feel like our nation has strayed far from its original ideas, so I thought starting this podcast might create a conversation about that.” His most recent podcast spent an hour out of 90 minutes complaining about how Chick-fil-a is not open on Super bowl Sunday. “I really feel like some of my ideas are revolutionary, you know?” He spent the other 30 minutes of that same podcast talking about his favorite book, Infinite Jest.

“Oh yes I’m very proud of him, I really feel that this little project of his might take off,” his mother told us. “he is truly just the sweetest, smartest boy, and I think the world will see that in his twice weekly dropped podcast.” Reports say that Conrad has only 2 listeners. One is his mother, the other one thought they were listening to "The Ben Shapiro Show" and couldn't tell the difference.

Upcoming episode themes are an analysis of his favorite BoJack Horseman episode and a tribute to his "favorite indie band that I doubt you've heard of." Sources tell us he is in talks with Audible for a rare sponsorship.
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