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Area Man Unsure Whether to Wave Back

CAMBRIDGE, MA - After witnessing the furtive movement of an arm belonging to a vaguely familiar woman in the distance, local philosophy major Kevin Wang’s pulse quickly doubled. “Was this primal gesture of acknowledgement directed towards myself? In which case, I should probably respond equivalently to further this social connection,” pondered Wang ‘18. “Yet, I could also not respond, thus saving myself from hypothetical humiliation in case the wanton wave was designated for someone else.”

“However, this could result in the young lady feeling quite crestfallen at having been snubbed after extending a limb in welcome, only to have it shunned,” murmured Wang as his anxiety and blood pressure skyrocketed simultaneously. “On the contrary, this in turn could happen to me if I reply only to realize that backstabbing whore meant the sultry extension of her body to another human being!”

Human Body Language Analyst Craig Baxter has offered insight into the conundrum. “This is not the first time something of this nature occurred. In 1914, Archduke Franz Ferdinand was unsure if Gavrilo Princip was trying to assassinate him, or someone behind him. Boy was he embarrassed when he didn’t wave back,” said Baxter. “Similarly, Wang’s upcoming decision could have far reaching ramifications. It could start a romance, end a friendship, or commence catastrophic destruction across the planet. In my personal opinion, he shouldn’t wave back, for the lullzz.”

Wang, who had worked himself up to a Romeo-esque fervor, finally reached a conclusion. “I’m going to do it!” said Wang grinning from ear to ear. “I’m gonna wave—ah shit she’s gone.”

© 2014