SPRINGFIELD, MA - Witnesses at local-favorite Sweet Cakes Bakery reported being startled while standing in line in front of the cupcake display when customer Carys Jones began hungrily shaking her head in the direction of both the decadent cakes and the succulent tin menu board above it. Eye witness Martha Hannery of Southwick reported: “My son stood behind me and asked me what the strange lady wanted. I couldn’t say, I was scared too. Then she just turned her head, stared into my poor little boy’s soul and bellowed, ‘I DON’T KNOOOOW!”

“I just thought, I mean gosh, if I can’t choose between bearclaw, this blondie, and the glass casing, why not have it all?” recalled Jones as reporters surrounded the woman attempting to bite through solid brick, dusting paint flecks off her cheek. “I could really eat this whole goddamn store . . . there is not a single thing here that doesn’t look just divine.”

After sending the young Hannery into a frozen stupor, Jones reportedly leapt over the counter and began inhaling one of every variety of pastry behind the counter. It was at this point that she started to bounce back and forth in boxer-like fashion and dashed out to the storefront, where she commenced gnawing at first the hanging floral decor and then the exposed brick behind it. “Mmmph...great earthy taste, but a bit overcooked!” she yelled at an interviewed pedestrian.

“I don’t know man, this is cool and all, but my store is disappearing,” said owner Aaron Hernandez.  

Only the next day, news stations and local police were exasperated as a high school student working across the street from the damaged Sweet Cakes called his homework assignment “the worst,” the calculus textbook then going up in flames and transforming into an amalgam of Satan and Galactus.