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Area Student Gets Off on Stat 110 Lectures at 2 Times the Speed

Starsky watches intently as Blitzstein walks over and drinks a glass of water faster than any human can possibly imagine.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Chancing surreptitious glances to her left and right, local Harvard student Alice Starsky was reportedly binge watching Stat 110 lectures Wednesday, her face awash with the blue light of her Macbook screen.

“I don’t know what it is, but something about watching Blitzstein find the stationary distribution of an irreducible Markov chain really gets me going,” said Starsky, when prompted to elaborate on her bizarre fixation. Witnesses looked on—conflicted as to whether they should intervene on behalf of the girl’s overall well-being or to just leave her well enough alone—as Starsky, becoming more and more visibly amped, increased the speed of the lecture video.

“So you start with 0.5x, and you get to hear it all slow and stretched out, and then you skip over 1x to 1.4x, spend barely a second on 1.6x and once you hit 2x, you’re flying. It feels like you’re being transformed into this emotionless automaton, but in a really good way.” Starsky then grabbed a handful of Honey Oat Blenders, stuffed them into her mouth, and yelled, “Everyone quiet! This is the best part!” as the camera panned to the beta binomial conjugacy formula.

“Most girls her age get their fix from The Bachelor or something, which is absolute garbage. But my Alice gets off on statistics! Isn’t she something?” said Lynette Starsky, Alice’s mother.

At press time, Starsky was overheard telling reporters that her dream is to “someday visit the set and be a part of the live studio audience.”

© 2016