CAMBRIDGE, MA--Due to her life full of stressful commitments, area student Emily Zees reported earlier today that she was thrilled that her 12:00 PM nap was, in fact, her only reason to get up in the morning.

“You might think getting up only to go back to sleep is sad, but I really don’t see it that way at all," Zees told reporters. "I’ve never felt so happy and free before. Really!” When asked about concerns like food, Zees was ready with her response. “Sure, you might think that I would want to get up for breakfast or something. Yeah, right. I can just eat these Cheetos Puffs in bed! Problem solved,” she stated, wiping her fingers on a suspiciously orange comforter.

“I ask myself why I get up when I could sleep for most of the day and spend the rest lying in bed watching YouTube videos. There’s only one reason I can think of, and that’s to get the joy of getting back into bed and going back to sleep," Zees admits. "It’s not like I have friends to hang out with or anything. Now that I no longer care about my future, I have literally no responsibilities! I mean, what more could I want? An income? Making my parents proud of me? A meaningful connection with other human beings? Please! My blanket is here for me.”