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Boston Duckboats Rebrand as Full-Time Championship Parade Vehicles

Winning on land and in water

BOSTON, MA–  Citing the 11,000 championships in the past 18 years won by the city’s 4 major sports teams, Boston Duck Tours CEO Sheila Donahue announced on Tuesday the company's decision to operate exclusively for championship parades. 

"We have been glad to serve as Greater's Boston's go-to source for amphibious vehicle tours for the past 25 years." Donahue said in her statement. "With our recent financial success operating championship parades, we have decided to rebrand as Patriot Vehicles, LLC. Moreover, our business model should remain lucrative so long as the rest of the quarterbacks in the AFC East can't even throw a water bottle into a garbage can."

Some are worried that this decision will come at a cost to the city's tourism industry. Cornelius Hagenburg VII, global expert on aquatourism, argued that the Boston Duckboats fill a unique niche for tourists looking for 3mph passages through polluted urban harbors. "The Venice of the West," Hagenburg explained. 

Mayor Martin J. Walsh anticipates a $1.2 billion decline in tourism due to travelers’ inability to use city’s world-famous Duckboats. “The first time the Patriots won the Super Bowl in 2001, it was wicked awesome to use the Duckboats for the parade,” Mayor Walsh said during the announcement. “But what's a mayah to do when the city has a void fo'h cruisahs that can traverse land or sea? Our tourism's gone down the tubes.”

Not everyone agrees that the decline in tourism should be attributed to the championship parades. Harvard economist Edward Glaeser argued that trade tariffs placed on China by the Trump administration left a fatal shortage of tea for tourists to throw into the Boston Harbor.

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