and entering

"Butterface Avenger" Terrorizes Boston

Ugly women with nice bodies have recently come under attack by a man calling himself "The Butterface

"When I see a fine body with a two month-old jack-o-lantern sitting on top of it, it pains me," he said in a recent anonymous letter to the Boston
Globe. "I can't help but wonder what might have been, and it is my goal to spare the rest of the world the pain and the psychological damage
that these dick-perplexers have caused me." To this end, he does not actually murder his victims, but instead renders them more consistently

The attacks began in early February,
when Medford native Emily Riley, a college student who has been described as having all of the fat in her body localized in her chin, was found even uglier in Downtown Boston by police responding to a 911 call. Since then, at least twenty
more assaults in Massachusetts alone have been attributed to The Butterface Avenger.

His trademarks include ass-branding, unsolicited mastectomies, and force-feeding his victims chocolate
frosting until they get fat.

The newly formed Butterface
Protection Program is finding help from a number of unlikely sources. Stop & Shop has donated thousands of paper
bag masks to those who have been warned by their siblings and exes that they may be next. Temporary relocation programs for women with the most severe face-body discrepancies have also been enacted.

"I am personally taking the initiative to shelter many of the concerned Butterfaces of our nation,"
states former president Bill Clinton, who is better known in homely circles as "the ugly chick's Harriet Tubman." When reached for comment, Hillary Clinton merely rolled her eyes.

The authorities are urging all of those who believe they may be a target to seek help immediately, but to at least put on makeup first.

© 2008