and entering

Enraged Area Parents Boycott Grocery Store After Cataclysmic Floor Plan Shakeup

Sunny Springs parents are unable to comprehend the drastic shakeup.

SUNNY SPRINGS, VT — A cloud of chaos has been cast over the once sleepy suburb of Sunny Springs as Uncle Sam’s Supermarket blindsided its shoppers today with an earth-shattering decision to change the store’s floor plan. Refusing to sit idly by as their town plunges into darkness, angry local parents decided to boycott the supermarket and form picket lines in front of the family establishment.

Storeowner ‘Uncle’ Sam Sims offered his rationale for the change. “All I did was rearrange a few aisles and expand the greeting card section. I don’t get it.”

“He’s missing the point,” said protester Bill Bulger. “It’s not about aisles or whether I feel emasculated now that the men’s deodorants are right next to the makeup. It’s about knowing who we can trust in this town. It’s about TRADITION!” 

Another protester, Julianne Jones, added that, “As soon as I saw that the Altoids had moved to the left of the registers, I knew something was up. I nearly crashed into the new Bat Mitzvah greeting card shelf, and I became a little agitated. Then finally when I couldn’t find the olives in aisle four, I lost my fucking shit!”

When asked if this change actually poses real problems for most people, the movement’s leader Natalie Nixon was quick to rebuff. “Look! This crowd of angry taxpayers draws from a VERY socioeconomically diverse group, from Christina, who drives a Tesla, to poor Tim who lives in an apartment! Now, tell me this issue doesn’t affect a broad range of people.”

By noon, the crowd numbered a hundred strong, with signs reading “CLEANUP ON AISLE YOU” and “HOWDYA LIKE THEM APPLES?!” And if that wasn’t enough, the mob continued to disrupt the peace with loud, albeit disjointed, calls-and-responses: “WHAT DO WE WANT?” “Our store back!” “WHEN DO WE WANT IT?” “Well I have to pick Bobby up from soccer at five, so before five!”

The more seasoned “fifth-kid” PTA parents of Sunny Springs Elementary claim that this is even worse of a scandal than PumpkinFest ’09. “And we all remember how much of a total shit-show that was,” said parent Cynthia Smith.




© 2016