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Every Song Actually About Area Man’s Ex-Girlfriend

Local freshman Alex Newton attempts to find a song that doesn't recount the time he and ex-girlfriend Samantha ate frozen yogurt after the football game.

KNOXVILLE, TN--While huddled in a ball in his room and crying, local college freshman Alex Newton has reportedly discovered that every song’s lyrics actually describe his ex-girlfriend Samantha and their previous relationship.

“I thought that music would help me get over her, but every song on my computer and the Internet is about her,” disclosed Newton, scrolling desperately through his iTunes library for an exception to this newly discovered rule. “Why won’t Samantha make that hotline bling? Was she toxic; have I slipped under with a taste of her poison paradise? We used to be up all night to get lucky. Now she’s crashed her metaphorical car into the metaphorical bridge of my heart, and watched and let it burn. How am I gonna be an optimist about this? It’s killing me, and taking control.”

Newton later reported to have discovered that while all musical artists have written songs about his breakup, it is only Adele who truly understands him.

© 2015