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Facebook’s “On This Day” Offers Daily Reminder You Were Weird as Fuck in Middle School

a Facebook "On This Day" graphic
Look at what a fucking weirdo you were!

THE BLACK HOLE OF THE INTERNET—Reports surfaced on Tuesday that the only real accomplishment of Facebook's "On This Day" feature is offering you a helpful daily reminder that you were weird as fuck in middle school.

Rather than bringing back good memories or reconnecting you with old friends—the feature's intended purposes, probably—all that "On This Day" manages to do is remind you that you used to write Facebook statuses in the third person. You, a moron, would start your posts with verbs.

You reportedly do not appreciate remembering that you were once the sort of person who posted "loooooooves the suite life on deck!" or that there was once a time when you found it appropriate to share "is going bowling with Sarah and Kelly and Amanda and Carson l8er!"

Sarah and Amanda, who could not be reached for comment, both have toddlers now. At some point between 2008 and now, Amanda unfriended you.

The reports further noted that you do not enjoy seeing the inside jokes, the contexts of which you can no longer recall, that your friend Rachel wrote on your wall during a sleepover in 2009. "lolololol ELEPHANT PANCAKES!" she posted on this day nine years ago, as if you possibly give a shit now that you are a normal adult human.

"On This Day" recently forced you to feast your eyes on a photo of you and Rachel at the 2007 Valentine's Day dance, in which you, a dumpster fire, are wearing neon blue eyeshadow. Rachel is currently in jail for a string of petty crimes that she committed at your local Wawa.
At press time, you were deleting what you posted on this day in 2009—"omg the hannah montana movie wuz the best thing ive ever seen!!!!!!"—on the off-chance that your crush ever sifts through your newsfeed. 
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