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First Thanksgiving Cancelled as Pilgrims Deported to Old World

A fleeting image of what could have been.

Plymouth Colony, Wampanoag Confederacy—The first Plymouth Plantation harvest celebration was cancelled today when the Wampanoag tribe discovered that the Pilgrims had not properly filled out the necessary immigration paperwork.

The Wampanoag Confederacy denied the Pilgrims’ visas based on incomplete DS-260 forms. They failed to retrieve the signature of their supervisor in time for the application deadline, and thus must be deported.

“How the fuck were we supposed to get this signed by our supervisor within three weeks?” said Plymouth Colony Governor William Bradford. “It took us four months to get here, and our supervisor is The Lord.”

Wampanoag leader Massasoit expressed his distaste for unwanted illegal aliens. “If you want to live in this country, if you want to work in this country, if you want to celebrate the goddamn harvest in this country” said the chief, “Then you have to file the proper forms. That’s just the way it is.”

Bradford pleaded with Massasoit for the Wampanoag to grant amnesty to settlers whose children were born in the New World, but Massasoit refused, dismissing them as “a whole bunch of freeloading anchor babies.”

The Pilgrims benefited from farming techniques they learned from the local tribes, and they were about to celebrate their first harvest with the Wampanoag.

“You go and teach these people valuable farming skills for free,” said Squanto, last surviving member of the Patuxet band of the Wampanoag, “And what happens? They steal our corn. They steal our soil. And they take our jobs. I think it’s time we build a wall. That would solve the problem for good.”

© 1621