and entering

List of Phonix Club Members Leaked

The Maria L. Baldwin School, home of the prestigious Phonix-S.C. Club.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Scandal erupted at the Maria L. Baldwin School this week when a full list of the Phonix-S.C. Club’s membership was anonymously leaked on the Internet via the website in what the website’s creators describe as an effort to promote discourse about issues of enunciation and vocal sounds on campus.

The Phonix-S.C., formed by the 1925 merger of the Phonix and Spelling-Counting Clubs and considered one of the most prestigious of Baldwin’s eight “first-grade clubs”, has achieved quite the reputation in recent years thanks to its bacchanalian two-finger touch process, in which prospective members engage in debauched activities such as Edward Juicy-Juicehands, the downing of an entire carton of chocolate milk without taking a potty break afterwards, and counting all the way to one hundred without any hints. Those who are accepted receive an invitation to attend the club’s Halloween party at Tommy Morrissey’s parents’ house, who let you stay up until 10 and have second helpings of ice cream, while those who are denied often spend the rest of elementary school thinking about what might have been.

Yet the actions of’s creators have thrown the club into crisis, with its once-anonymous members suddenly in the public eye. Every aspect of the club, from the “no girls allowed” sign at the entrance of its clubhouse to the accusations of animal cruelty that club members faced a decade ago for feeding fish sticks to the class goldfish, has been the subject of heated debate, with members of the club even being called into Vice-Principal Khurana’s office for a conversation that the two sides have alternately described as “super boring” and “a really great bit of reflection about the importance of inclusivity in which I think we made a lot of progress with the boys.”

Despite these important conversations, any progress with the first-grade clubs is expected to be slow if it happens at all, thanks in part to long-standing ties between kindergarten teacher Mr. Dingman and the Outside Time Club.

Image Credit:

© 2015