Cambridge, MA—Opening up next door to Insomnia Cookies, Narcolepsy Cupcakes will hold its grand opening between 2:00 and 2:05pm, and then close for a week so that its employees can take a power nap. Its business hours will vary on a daily basis, contingent upon when the store managers are awake.  

In sharp contrast to Insomnia Cookies, Narcolepsy Cupcakes brags excellent work conditions and high wages. The average employee will only be required to work between two minutes and twenty-five minutes per day, and will be paid a yearly salary of $650,000. Narcolepsy Cupcakes has received the Humanitarians in Baked Goods Award and has also won the endorsement of the Harvard College Democrats, who praise its “commitment to excellence in human rights and buttercream.”

CEO of Insomnia Cookies, Richard “Red-Eye” Nelson, expressed his outrage towards the marketing strategies of Narcolepsy Cupcakes. To clean up his sentence: “These do-gooders… God, GOD-fearing Americans do not eat fluffy cupcakes…cupcakes.  They, they DON’T and they do not need to nap.  I can stay up FAR longer than those talking cupcakes.”

 Rejecting accusations of copying the business model of Insomnia, Minda O’Reilly, spokesperson for Narcolepsy Cupcakes, stated: “Any person who can find a correlation or any semblance of similarity between Narcolepsy Cupcakes and [Insomnia Cookies] has a psychological problem.  Like, a serious neurological disorder, like, something you might name a dessert-goods store after.” When called to comment on this statement, O’Reilly fell asleep while on the line, leaving the oven on.