and entering

Notorious Wife Beater to Starbucks: "You Call This Shit Coffee?"

A local Starbucks employee was accosted early Thursday morning when a disgruntled man entered the establishment, demanding a cup of coffee prepared "the way [he] liked it" but refusing to elaborate any further. When the barista failed to deliver, the customer became enraged, yelling that the employee was "useless, just like [his] mother."

A fellow barista called the authorities when she noticed how upset her coworker had become by the incident. They identified the man as Thomas Meyer, well known in the community for numerous transgressions. "Tom has definitely been in trouble before," one policeman noted. "Just the other day we had to take him in for attacking the pastor's wife at the church bake sale, when he didn't like the cookies she made. Although to be fair to Tom, those cookies were terrible. I mean, just awful."

Despite the trouble caused by Meyer, the inconvenienced barista declined to press any charges, instead simply acknowledging that he "could have tried a little harder to make a good cup of coffee."

"I sort of deserved it," the man persisted, despite his coworkers' claims that he had no reason to blame himself for Meyer's outburst. "I can't get mad at Tom for trying to keep me in line when my work got sloppy. The only thing I ask is that Tom comes back next week, when we start serving our new peppermint hot chocolate. I make a great cup of that stuff. That would make him proud. For now, I'll get back to the dishes. Where I belong."

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