and entering

Puberty Strikes Late

The sapling (second from left) somehow managed to avoid the wrath of Puberty.

Late Saturday night, the Harvard University Police Department sent out a community advisory warning local inhabitants of an attack. At approximately 23:30, Cambridge Rindge and Latin School junior Myler G. Harris was walking home from a BIDA contra dance to his home on Shepard Street. He was sidetracked when he saw a young sapling, became overwhelmed by the beauty of nature, and diligently began rehearsing his rock-step with the aforementioned tree. It was in the midst of this childish wonderment that he was assailed.

By the time police arrived on the scene, Harris was furiously and helplessly masturbating. A cop recalls that Harris looked at the squadron through pleading, pimple-encased eyes as if to ask, why is this happening to me?

“Poor little bugger. I really hope I catch whatever did this to him,” the cop said wistfully, glancing over at Harris’s gigantic whale erection.

Harris himself had little to say after the traumatic incident. He repeatedly tried to give his testimony to the police but was shocked into silence by the deep, booming voice that poured out of his mouth. He eventually turtled up altogether when he tried to greet his cute neighbor Lindsey, who had come to ogle at the spectacle, and his voice cracked four octaves higher.

“I don’t know what happened to Myler, but all of the sudden, I find him just so…so sexy! Look how silent and broody he is. He’s like this irresistible, sizzling slice of pizza I just want to pat the grease off of…” Lindsey whispered, short of breath.

“What I saw back there was enough to grow up an old man all over again,” an eyewitness reported gravely, shaking his head and requesting anonymity for fear of retribution by his wife, who does not yet know he has resumed his weird nocturnal habit of donning a bear suit and roaming the street for hookers, moose, and Cher impersonators.

Though the identity and whereabouts of the culprit are still unknown, forensic experts’ primary suspect is a recluse known as Puberty, notable for the lack of gender bias in his attacks, for his distinctive modus operandi – stretching of limbs, a fetish for propagating hair, lumping and redistribution of body mass in odd places – and for his immortality and omnipotence.

Mrs. Harris sobbed over her gangly, hairy son and tearfully lamented, “They just grow up so fast!”

Parents who wish to ensure the safety of their children against this formidable and sadistically-humored foe should take extra precautions, including but not limited to: not letting your child walk alone late at night, not letting your child take Candy or Sweets from strangers, not feeding your child any of the essential amino acids or other nutrients necessary for skeletal, muscular, or tissue growth, and not letting your child fall asleep, ever.

© 2012