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QUIZ: You’re an Investment Firm Outside of Cambridge. Which Beloved Harvard Square Establishment Will You Ruthlessly Demolish Next?

Who needs community when you can have capital instead?
Hello, partners at real estate investment firms that are headquartered far, far away from Cambridge, Massachusetts! Take this short quiz to determine which beloved Harvard Square institution you could replace without anyone noticing. 
1. Just how beloved is the Harvard Square establishment you are thinking of ruthlessly demolishing? 
A. Super beloved
B. Actually, not really
C. Every year it connects lonely dogs at shelters with homesick freshmen so they can both enjoy a warm apple cider and discover the warmth of Christmas
D. Number two on the U.S. News College Rankings report
2. What’s your business plan? 
A. An avant-garde new-age Asian fusion restaurant that serves pickled oxblood for $42 a pop.
B. I actually do think we need more burritos in Harvard Square.
C. An immersive caffeine BYOFP (bring your own french press) invite-only subscription experience in which patrons will grind a single single-origin coffee bean from the Ivory Coast harvested by a virgin with red hair once in a blue moon for the low price of $13 paid in three monthly installments.  
D. I will charge people tens of thousands of dollars to fall asleep in a dimly lit room with great acoustics so an old white man who has been accused multiple times of disorderly conduct can lecture them on supply and demand curves. 

3. What was the excuse your last ex-business partner gave when they broke things off with you?
A. I am sick of you only responding to my calls after 2 a.m. 
B. I don’t get how you live off your parents’ trust fund but also sleep on a bare mattress on the ground. 
C. I used to think it was kind of cool, but I realized that it is very cumbersome to work in a place without Wi-Fi. 
D. I really expected more out of you, but I don’t know what I was thinking. You are a fraud and you really let me down. I don’t think you will ever do anything that matters in the world despite the opportunities you have been afforded given your immense position of privilege. 

4. What is something mean but true that people said about you in high school? 
A. 我不觉得你是中国人
B. I heard your father paid off your prom date just so you would have one
C. It was really lame of you to cry loudly the entire time when we watched Pan’s Labyrinth in Spanish class
D. That I was too awkward to pull off my Georgian architecture

5. What is the quality you value most in a friend? 
A. Successfully keeping me away from jailbait 
B. Loyalty
C. Makes hot chocolate with milk instead of water
D. Refusal to divest from fossil fuels 

6. What do you stand to gain from laying waste to Harvard Square? 
A. Millions of dollars 
B. Tens of millions of dollars
C. Hundreds of millions of dollars
D. More freshman dorms

Mostly A’s: You should replace Kong! Since most people who frequent Kong do so blacked out at 3 a.m. on a Sunday morning, they probably won’t even notice that its historic lease in Harvard Square was quietly vacated due to astronomical changes in the price of rent. 

Mostly B’s: You should replace Qdoba! No one will ever want to touch your food with a ten foot pole, but you will still mysteriously occupy the best lot in Harvard Square. I don’t really understand how you are able to afford such prime real estate when it seems like you haven’t made a single cent in profit since 2003, but I guess that’s what happens when you have a rich parent that keeps on bailing you out.

Mostly C’s: You should replace Crema! Despite the fact that you are trying to destroy any semblance of community in a town that is already overrun by selfish college students, you are generally sweet, wholesome, and a little antiquated. 

Mostly D’s: You should replace Harvard itself! You are similarly paralyzed by your love for money, are an expensive Ponzi scheme, and also functionally useless.

Image credit: Equity One

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