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Smug Bastard in Hammock Probably Thinks He’s Enjoying Nice Weather More Than You

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LEXINGTON, KY -– Sources report that your neighbor Doug is enjoying the beautiful weather by sitting in a hammock like a goddamned hippie.

The single 31-year-old teacher was noted saying earlier that he just really enjoys “the feeling of swaying in the breeze.” But couldn’t he just sit on the grass and be satisfied with the wind in his hair like a normal person?

Independent sources reveal that the trees can’t be more than 15 or 20 feet tall, tops, and that you’re enjoying the gorgeous weather perfectly well from your plastic lawn chair, thank you very much. Of course, the report goes on to say that Doug made sure to hang the whole contraption right where everyone in the neighborhood would see. And even he’s got that self-satisfied and peaceful smile on his face, like he always does, especially when he takes out his recycling like the blessed patron saint of the environment.

“Do you want to try my hammock? There’s a perfect amount of shade and a beautiful view of the sunset,” Doug reportedly said, probably thinking of himself as the goddamned Lorax of relaxing pastimes. The report adds that Doug is currently drinking some ice water from a plastic tumbler like he’s the only person in the neighborhood who has ever been outdoors.



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