CICERO, INDIANA - After many years of fumbling to find an excuse for his ineffectual life, John Stottard has struck gold. "I've been eating junk food my entire life. That explains why I sleep 14 hours a night and can't find a job. I'm not sure if it explains my continuous sweating, but you know what? I bet it does." His mother and primary caretaker described him as both "inconsiderate" and "stupid." Stottard quietly reflected on the couch where upon he spends his waking hours, "I've never even had a girlfriend. I farted on a girl once during a date. I wasn't
on the date with her, I was just walking by, but I got a boner just the same." Journal entries reveal he once contemplated suicide, but instead ate a Ho Ho and took a nap.