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Unbelievable: Area Tinder Guy Who’s “Always Down for a Good Time” is Actually Kinda Dull

"Love my dog and the outdoors. And my long hair. And facial hair. And my long hair."


SMALLTOWN, USA — Though Americans remain self-isolated in their homes, nothing can stop many young singles from continuing to swipe through dating apps like Tinder with the false hope of scheduling some post-quarantine meet-ups. 22-year-old John Smith is one such eligible bachelor, but his misleading Tinder profile has caused quite a stir in his local community. His bio “I’m funny, interesting, and always down for a good time” garnered him a lot of matches, but shocking recent reports have confirmed that he is in fact “drier than the Sahara Desert.

While many local women were excited by the prospect of the perfect man in their midst, their subsequent conversations with Smith revealed that his bio might have been nothing but a ruse. According to local Jessica Peterson, “I’m such a sucker for guys that can make me laugh, so I was thrilled when we matched. I’ve dated funny dudes, sure. But this guy's profile exuded such raw confidence. I was intimidated to say the least.” Hoping to impress this self-proclaimed comedy god, Peterson opened with “You can’t spell quarantine without U R A QT :)” to which John responded “I’m not stupid. I know how to spell...why would you send that??”

And Peterson wasn’t the only whose high expectations were not reached. According to Emily Higgins, she tried to break the ice by asking what Smith liked to do in his free time. “I’ve matched with guys who love to skydive, climb mountains, and drink Dos Equis, but even they didn’t have ‘interesting’ in their bios. I was certain John's definition of 'a good time' was going to totally blow me away.” Instead Smith answered,  “I enjoy having fun, eating food, listening to music, and watching Netflix.” This list certainly did not dazzle Higgins who remarked, “I’m just surprised he didn’t also include ‘watching paint dry’.”

In the face of this criticism, Smith immediately reached out to the press, anxious to defend his charismatic personality. “You know my English teacher always taught us, ‘Tell, don’t show. Your audience doesn’t want to have to think at all.’ Clearly that was a total lie. But I’m just as smart as I am funny and interesting, so I won’t let these spiteful women hold me back.”

And Smith has followed through with this promise, determined to unlock the key to Tinder success. Rethinking his dating strategy, he has recently revamped his Tinder bio which now reads, “I love feminism and hate racism. Can we please have sex now?”


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