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Student Home for Break Gives Up All Hope for Self-Improvement in Record Time

TRENTON, NJ -  Freshman Kevin Weaver may have gone home with exciting plans about all of the books he was going to read, emails he was going to send, and classes he was going to prepare for, but as soon as he stepped in the door of his New Jersey home, smelled his mom’s home cooking, and started petting his dog, all of those plans went out the window.

At Harvard, Kevin always “does” his readings, “turns in” his psets, and “goes to class” every day. On top of “completing” his classwork, he “eats two servings of fruits and veggies per day” (he eats strawberry yogurt once a week), goes to the gym occasionally (once per month, MAX), and always wakes up at a time that includes “a.m.” (except for weekends).

His Google Doc, “things to do once I’m home,” includes waking up every morning at 7am, working out five times per week (a 20x increase), reading one book per week (an infinite increase).

But as soon as his dog started running and his younger brothers asked him if he wanted to play Super Smash Brothers Ultimate, all of his productivity plans were simply done for. “Just one game, then I’m going to do some reading,” Kevin said. He might not have realized it at the time, but that was the moment, mere seconds after returning home, where he stopped having goals for the break.

The rest of Kevin’s break has suffered dramatically as a result of the sudden disappearance of his motivation, productivity, and will to do literally anything useful. The contents of his luggage have gone untouched, including his suitcase full of unread books and unused work-out clothes. 

At press time, Kevin was found lounging on the couch in 6-day-old sweatpants and a lime green Hollister t-shirt he wore in middle school. 

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