CHAPPAQUA, NY: Standing in the bathroom of her Westchester residence, Hillary Clinton was overheard in an attempt at positive manifestation, chanting, “I’m going to become president,” and muttering to no one in particular that “there’s no one who can stop me.” Staring at her own reflection in the polished metal, the 71-year-old politician concluded the tired monologue by trailing off with the words, “third time’s the charm…”

Later that day, Clinton’s campaign manager announced to the press that she would officially declare her candidacy for president to an empty auditorium at the University of Iowa at Des Moines while repeatedly insisting that news outlets and refer to her by her 2020 trail name, “Hill.” When asked to comment on the bleakness of her announcement event, Hillary reportedly responded that she was “not sure if it even matters at this point” and that she was “too tired for this shit.”

When asked for comment, her campaign manager responded that “it doesn’t really seem like Hill’s heart is in it this time around. Wait, that’s not a problem though… right?”

According to an anonymous staff member of the Clinton campaign, a recent focus group assembled for the purpose of evaluating Hillary’s viability as a candidate unanimously agreed that the Democrats should nominate “literally anyone else.” When asked for comment on the dejecting leak, Clinton reportedly smiled and chided “I know you are but what am I?” before chuckling for the first time in 13 years.

At press time, Don Perignon reported that they had received an order for 300 bottles of champagne to be mailed to the Republican National Headquarters, while chants of “stronger together” and “Hill-a-ry” could be heard from three blocks away.

Image credit: CNN