Before the 2017 Major League Baseball season is in full swing, Satire V is here to break down the strengths and weaknesses of all the key teams:

 

Strengths: Last year's American League champions have one of the best pitchers in baseball, Corey Kluber.

Weaknesses: They could be facing a lot of protests, as some liberal snowflakes find their mascot Chief Wahoo offensive, for some reason.

 

Strengths: For the first time in more than a century, the Cubs are defending world champions, and most of the team is returning.

Weaknesses: No weaknesses. Just let the Cubs have this, okay?

 

Strengths: Hey, it's San Diego! It's nice there!

Weaknesses: Beyond the scope of this article. 

 

Strengths: Many analysts are calling theirs the best pitching rotation in baseball.

Weaknesses: None of those pitchers will be healthy by June 1st.

 

 

 

Strengths: They have two-time AL MVP Mike Trout at the helm of their offense.
Weaknesses: Trout is only allowed to play one position at a time.

 

Strengths: Young upstart outfielder Adam Duvall could smash 40 home runs this year.

Weaknesses: EXCEPT THAT DUVALL IS A DIRTY COMMUNIST! You thought you could get away with this right under our noses, didn't you Duvall? But seriously – the Reds? You should have known we would find out about your plan to undermine American democracy from within one of its most beloved institutions. 

 

 

Strengths: Los Angeles! The city of dreams! Where anyone can be a star! Hooray for Hollywood! That screwy, ballyhooey Hollywood, where any office boy or young mechanic can be a panic, with just a goodlooking pan. Where any barmaid can be a star maid, if she dances with or without a fan! Hooray for Hollywood!

Weaknesses: If last year's Rookie of the Year Corey Seager hits a sophomore slump, they could be in trouble.