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9 Signs Your Democratically Elected President is Totally a Dictator

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So your country has snagged itself a new democratically elected president. Congratulations! However, you’re worried that he might actually be a dictator. Uh oh! Here are nine foolproof ways to tell if your democratically elected president is actually an autocrat:

1) He’s stopped initiating press conferences. During the campaign, your democratically elected president was constantly initiating press conferences. Now he’s retreated to his luxury Manhattan apartment and only communicates with the press via Twitter. That sounds like a dictatorial dealbreaker!

2) He casually jokes about his opponents being imprisoned or assassinated. Look, everyone wants a democratically elected president with a sense of humor. But if your “president” is using humor to cover up his contempt for anyone who stands in his way, womp! He's totally a dictator.

3) There’s another world leader in the picture. Has he been conspicuously flirting with the autocratic leader of a foreign country? Have you heard suspicious rumors about him and that leader? Trust your instinct—don’t stand idly by while your president sneaks around with another world leader. DICTATOR!

4) He’s hiding his tax returns from you. Maybe you’ve seen his 1995 tax returns as obtained by The New York Times, but that’s no indication of what he’s earning now. A democratically elected president wouldn’t hide vital financial information from you! That’s an Il Duce Dealbreaker!

5) He only wants to talk about himself. The American people elected him, but he doesn’t seem to care about them anymore. Be especially worried if your president is talking about himself in the third person, as that could be a telltale sign of narcissistic personality disorder, which is often correlated with dictator-ness.

6) He can’t commit to any policy proposals. Your democratically elected president promised to “Drain the Swamp,” but then he appointed lobbyists and big bank executives during the transition. If he’s acting all weird when you confront him about it, he’s probably a dictator.

7) He never looks up from his phone when you’re trying to talk to him. It happens all the time: you’re trying to talk to your democratically elected president about serious issues, like healthcare coverage for millions of Americas, but he prefers to scroll through Twitter deciding which news outlets to sanction. That’s some dictatorial behavior!

8) He smells different—kind of like nuclear weapons. If you sense that your democratically elected president smells different than he did before the election—especially if he smells like the makings of nuclear weapons—he could be stockpiling for an upcoming arms race. The nose knows dictators!

9) He wants to ban an entire ethnic group from entering the country, wants to deport millions of brown people, and appointed a known anti-Semite to a high-level position. Wait, really? He did this? That would be behavior reminiscent of a certain dictator, one who was responsible for some very bad things. You're nodding. Hold on— have you been nodding the whole time? Oh my God, have you actually elected a dictator? All right I'm outta here. I'm moving to a country where they couldn't possibly elect a dictator, like France or something. Good luck!

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