After Mitt Romney's slight resurgence in the polls last weekend, radical Islamist terrorist group al Qaeda released a statement condemning the candidate for being "too boring for anyone to give a camel shit."

"Conservatives don't really care, liberals don't really care, and Allah knows that we don't really care about Governor Romney," read the statement. "While it's usually easy to gain support in opposition to the cursed nation of America -- long may it burn -- we just can't convince anyone that he is a harbinger of evil. He's moderate on abortion, he flip-flops on health care, and there's just no way that he's the son of Satan. He's barely even a low-level infidel."

Newt Gingrich agreed.

 A member of al Qaeda, who asked to remain anonymous, explained further, "We thought we could really get something going with that whole 'Mormon thing,' reported the source from a safe house in Pakistan. "But then we all saw that musical by the South Park guys, and our Islamic brotherhood just giggle whenever we say anything about Latter Day Saints."

A hurt Romney, who had originally planned to take a firm stance against terrorism, realized that voters had mixed feelings about the Department of Homeland Security and decided instead to say nothing.