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America Just Not That Into Rudy Giuliani

A photo of the card America sent Mr. Giuliani to communicate its feelings.

At a dinner featuring 2016 Republican presidential hopeful Scott Walker, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani proclaimed, “I do not believe that the president loves America.” America has since responded that it’s “just not that into him.”

The country, famous for its tendency to carefully consider involving itself in other people’s problems, decided that it had to weigh in on Giuliani’s remarks.

“Look, I understand he’s really into me.  And who wouldn’t be?” said America. “We had our thing a few years ago but now I’m just so over Ricky Giovanni.”

In response to America’s declaration of unrequited love, the Giuliani camp refused to respond and instead issued a press release that simply read “9/11” in 48-point font watermarked with an image of Giuliani’s face.

America also downplayed Giuliani’s claim to fame. “9/11 was like 100 years ago or whatever,” said America. “Now, it’s like, what have you done for me lately? ISIS and Ukraine and stuff, right?”

At press time President Obama could not be reached for comment because he was too busy spending every hour of his life leading and advocating for the country he hates so much.

© 2015