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American Swiper: Film Review

ODESSA, TX- Starring a kleptomaniac, naked fox with a passion for fighting foreigners, the film American Swiper has earned more money in the box office than UNICEF has raised in aid for the children of Afghanistan. Based on true events, American Swiper tells the story of Chriswiper Kyle, the deadliest swiper in American history, who achieved over 150 confirmed swipes during his tours of duty. The film is considered incredibly controversial, with some people calling it the veneration of prejudiced murder, and white people calling it a loveable, patriotic story.

One such white person, Rufus E. Vernon, very much enjoyed the film because of its blatant chauvinism. “The film was just awesome," said Vernon. "I mean, when he swiped that galosh-wearing monkey from over 2,100 meters with his swiper rifle square in the chest, it just makes you feel proud to be an American.” Rufus, like many others, enjoyed the film because of the loveable Latina child-narrator, who made the movie an interactive and educational experience, with lines such as: “Can you find… weapons of mass destruction?” 

“My favorite line by far was ‘Go Diego Go back over the border’,” said an anonymous person with the alias Mick Mantorum. “I give this film 5 out of 5 sweater-vests!”

Despite the film’s box office success, unpatriotic liberals had qualms with American Swiper because it was really, really, really prejudiced. “The protagonist is clearly extremely racist,” said self-employed political activist and pompously condescending hipster Clementine Auer. “He solely killed bilingual individuals from Latin America, whom he referred to as ‘savages,’ and literally everyone who was swiped was civilian. I hope all my fellow plebes boycott this film! ”

Despite the backlash, American Swiper, which is the most controversial film since Blues Clues Velvet, remains one of the most popular films to date. “It truly is a film that makes you think,” said Mantorum. “It sort of glorifies a man who had no problem swiping a singing map right between the eyes. What does that say about our society?” 

© 2015