WASHINGTON — Earlier this morning, the Pectoral College declared Arnold Schwarzenegger the winner of its quadrennial “Bro-mander in Chief” award, given every four years to the best bodybuilder in America. The College, an illustrious body of 538 expert judges, had spent over a month weighing the decision carefully. Ultimately, the College concluded that Schwarzenegger had the strength and stamina necessary to become the leader of the free-weight world, citing his extensive experience in the House of Reps.

After hearing that he had muscled out the competition, Schwarzenegger told reporters, “I’m glad that it all worked out.” As is his tendoncy, he immediately started slathering on tanning oil for the official award ceremony. Flexing his glistening biceps, Schwarzenegger proclaimed, “Thank God for the Second Amendment. I mean, look at these guns!”   

However, pundits on the bench press were quick to exercise caution, and it’s hardly a stretch to say that Schwarzenegger’s victory was controversial. After crunching the numbers, several of his opponents said they felt hamstrung by the College, asserting that Schwarzenegger would not have pulled up enough support to win a national vote of all bodybuilding buffs. Additionally, although Schwarzenegger had won 306 Pectoral votes in initial balloting, several judges abstained from voting on the final ballot, almost splitting Schwarzenegger’s coalition in calf and barring Schwarzenegger from obtaining the majority needed to win. Some argued that Schwarzenegger had failed to present a well-defined corpus of work. Others noted that his body did not have the appropriate symmetry, since his core was very far to the right. Still others questioned whether Schwarzenegger would have the time to shoulder the awesome responsibility of “Bro-mander in Chief” given that he also would be filling in for President-elect Trump as host of the Celebrity Apprentice.

At press time, Schwarzenegger was fending off allegations of palm-greasing, dismissing the claim that the Russian Olympic Committee had bribed several Pectoral members to vote for him to sow distrust in American Rep-ublican institutions. Said Schwarzenegger, “These conspiracy theorists are dumbbells. Russians can’t hack these chiseled Austrian abs. Nope, definitely not the Russians.”

Schwarzenegger then abruptly terminated his press conference, mumbling that he had to take a call from his agent Skynet, but assuring anxious journalists, “I’ll be back.”