WASHINGTON, D.C. – Patrick Shanahan, deputy secretary of the Department of Defense, announced this week that America’s historic queer cannon is in need of a makeover. The cannon, which has been around since the Civil War, has exploded in public approval over the past few years after receiving fiery opposition for several centuries.

While the cannon might be remembered as the inspiration for Giovanni’s Room, A Separate Peace, and literally everything Colette ever wrote, the country has recently become infatuated with the cannon’s own incendiary story. Sources report that it rolls up to the armory on Friday nights in search of fellow cannons to fraternize with. It trundles up to prospective partners with a smoldering air and says, “You’ve got a face that belongs in a magazine” and “Let’s do a few rounds.”

The cannon has become a queer icon, ousting both Cher and all of the Spice Girls to claim top honors this year for “living loud” and “firing louder.” It has nevertheless suffered some outright homophobia in the past few months. Passersby are known to stop the cannon and its partner on the field of battle to ask, “Who’s the cannon and who’s the cannonball in the relationship?”

Shanahan is hopeful that he can usher in a new era of canonical acceptance and change. He said that the country’s queer cannon was out of date, having last been tinkered with by a troupe of musical young men. Shanahan said he hired a crack team of mechanics, including the ever-handy Alison Bechdel, Alice Walker, and Sappho herself.