LOS ANGELES, CA — On Monday, Terrence C. Jones, an LAPD police officer, called fellow police officers on himself. During his daily 3:00 p.m. bathroom break, Jones looked up from washing his hands, and the mirror above the sink proved him guilty on an unmistakable crime: existing while black.

“When I was a kid, my parents gave me ‘the talk’ about racism and police brutality so I could try to protect myself,” Jones said. “They told me to how to dress and how to speak, but they didn’t prepare me for the day I’d have to call the police on myself.” 

Teresa L. Frank, the 911 dispatcher who works at Jones' station, answered Jones' call. Jones asked about her day; Frank invited him to an upcoming barbecue. Jones then revealed why he was calling: he himself had dared to do something while black. “Say no more, fam,” Frank hastily replied, sending fellow officers to the scene. 

Four officers surrounded Jones’ desk, waiting to catch the criminal upon his return from relieving his bladder. They assessed the scene: a cup of coffee, a desktop open to pictures of baby goats, and, most dangerously of all, an unarmed black person. The officers promptly arrested Jones and asked him to sit in his desk chair as they searched for an excuse unrelated to race to justify his arrest to the public. Spotting a PEZ dispenser on Jones’ desk, one officer suggested that the candy could be mistaken for a gun.

To facilitate the media’s racial profiling, Jones shared photos of himself wearing a hoodie and offered an anecdote about the time he smoked weed in college to local news outlets.

“Being one of the boys in the blue doesn’t mean I’m above the law,” Jones said. “I’m still black.”

At press time, “Blue Lives Matter” protesters were having an emergency consultation with “All Lives Matter” activists to determine whether Jones’ blackness prevented the need to mobilize in response to his arrest.