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BREAKING: Old Man Moves to Florida

Brady thinking about low income taxes and watching his supermodel wife tan in the Florida sun!

BOSTON, MA — In unsurprising news, area Massachusetts resident Thomas “The Goat” Brady is moving to Florida.

Some say Brady’s decision was driven by his selfish pursuit of football championships and money, but really, it’s just because he’s getting too old for shoveling snow. “I’m 43 now,” said Brady, “which is 60 in Football Years, but 80 in Cold Weather Years. It’s just time for me to start a new phase of my life.”

Like any ordinary man, Brady sat down with his international supermodel wife Gisele to weigh the pros and cons of leaving their home in Massachusetts: weather, education for their kids, how many more millions of dollars he’d be making playing for the Buccaneers than for the Patriots, real estate value, and more. As tough as it was, they realized Florida was the best move.

Of course, choosing a state is not enough. The next step was to decide where to establish their humble family of 5 and his multi-million dollar TB12 enterprise. They considered classic options like Miami, and Orlando, but in the end, they were drawn to Tampa Bay’s charm and low income taxes. 

When asked what he plans to do after moving to Florida, Brady answered: “What any middle-aged man does when he moves to Florida: get a couple timeshares, grow out a beer belly, start losing my hair, and say really uncomfortable and possibly racist things at Thanksgiving dinners. You know, the simple life.” 

At press time, Brady was featured in an article titled “Florida Man Enjoys Playing with Deflated Balls”.

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