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BREAKING: Senator Joe Manchin Makes First Ever Friends

"And then I told them, I've already had five other people come in here today asking me if I like blueberry or corn muffins better."

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- With a razor-thin Democratic majority in the United States Senate, West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin is ready for his close-up. After years of being disliked by his colleagues on both sides of the aisle, Manchin is a real Capitol Hill Cinderella story ("A Capitol Hill Cinderella Story" is also the working title for Lin Manuel Miranda’s "January 6th, the Musical").

“It’s about time I was asked to sit at the cheerleader table!” shouted Manchin, muffled by the wall of gift baskets which have sealed him in his office for the last two days. Manchin would later have to be extracted by the DC Fire Department after he began to asphyxiate (non-auto-erotically).

 Manchin has since exchanged his desk for an iron throne of legislation, cobbled together from the soon-to-be useless drafts of the Biden Administration’s policy.

 However, despite Manchin’s conservative policies, some in Congress have seen his reign as an opportunity to encourage societal progress. Senator Sanders, dusting off his ripped fishnets and freshening his scarlet lipstick commented, “For decades, women have been accused of flirting their way to the top. That is misogynistic. I am here to highlight this double standard, and blow him… and my constituents… away, for Medicare for All.” 

Although no legislative achievements have passed the Senate, and crime, healthcare costs, homelessness, and the federal deficit are at an all-time high, it is comforting to know that power-hungry white elites are appreciating the new senatorial social politics.

 At press time, Senator Mitch McConnell was unavailable for comment. Aides reported him to be in a full-day rehearsal for an elaborate lip sync production of John Denver’s West Virginia anthem “Take Me Home (Country Roads),” a desperate, but logical ploy, to garner Manchin’s friendship and political support.

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