and entering

Christie: No Number of Skittles Can Kill Me

Yes, this is the proper way to eat Skittles.

TRENTON, NJ -- New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (R-Otund) held an emergency press conference late Tuesday night regarding Donald Trump Jr.'s comments equating refugees to Skittles. 

"You think some puny rainbow M&M knockoff candies could bring me down? Yeah, sure, buddy, and like I'm not the vice presidential nominee," Christie screamed from his podium.

The Governor mentioned that it reminded him of when his mother would take away the Halloween candy because, "Dammit Christopher! No one should eat thirty-three chocolate bars in five minutes!" Christie noted that he didn't give up then, either. He would go to the corner store and shoplift entire aisles of candy, and then roll away too fast for anyone to catch him.

"In tough times like these, we should all be asking ourselves: what would Augustus Gloop do?" Christie said.

Christie pointed out that Skittles are part of a healthy and balanced breakfast, along with orange soda, Pop-Tarts filled with pure lard, and the crushed dreams of George Washington Bridge commuters.

"You want me to stop eating Skittles?" Christie challenged. "Fellas, I need to taste the rainbow. At this point it's the only thing I live for. That and November 2020."

As of press time, Christie was seen body-slamming a candy vending machine.

© 2016