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D.C. Legalizes Weed, Senate Reports “No Change” in Productivity

Some senators used a few pages of the CIA Torture Report to roll "big azz blunts" for the American people.

WASHINGTON, DC--In a rare moment of conviviality following the District of Columbia's legalization of recreational cannabis use this week, all 100 members of the US Senate lit up together in the basement of the Hart Senate Office Building, leading to what observers have described as "no change whatsoever" in the amount of work the body got done.

"Have you ever looked at Section 507(a) of the Continuing Appropriations Resolution?" a dumbfounded Richard Blumenthal (D-CT) asked, as Florida Republican Marco Rubio passed a miniature bong made out of an orange to fellow Tea Party leader Ted Cruz (R-TX). "I mean, really looked at it? shit's crazy, man," Mr. Blumenthal continued, as a visibly paranoid Jerry Moran (R-KS) added, "That's some good shit, man," in apparent agreement.

Moran’s mood was noted to be in stark contrast to those of Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), who was seen blissfully strumming a sitar in the background, and Kelly Ayotte (R-NH), whose furious typing was only interrupted to ensure her colleagues that “it’s cool” because “I draft small business regulations way better like this.” Meanwhile, Rob Portman (R-OH) could be seen frantically asking the other members of the Senate Ukraine Caucus whether he seemed high, and how long it normally took for this shit to kick in.

The Senate did manage to accomplish one crucial piece of business, agreeing 99-0 by voice vote to appropriate $38 million in emergency funding to order pizza, with the lone abstention coming from John McCain (R-AZ), who was reported to be coughing hoarsely following a particularly strong hit of Desert Dragon Kush. The floor then adjourned to "Rand's dad's place" to watch Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Conditions had begun to deteriorate at press time, however, with a group of fiscal conservatives motioning that any additional purchases of Afghani Traincrack from “[their] boy Billy” be funded by cuts to the education budget.


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