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Elizabeth Warren Reaches Lvl. 45, Evolves into Bernie Sanders

“They’re definitely in the top 1% of Senators,” said youngster Johnny, “and not the corporate one."

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With a loud exclamation of “What? Senator Warren is evolving!,” passersby last Tuesday observed Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) cloaked in a bright light and, despite some partisan onlookers hastily pressing B, morphing into the form of Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT).

This comes after a series of intense battles from the legislator on the Senate floor, where she gained Experience Points from battling Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY). Though McConnell used his Warning Strike and Explanation Blast, Warren persisted, emerging stronger than ever as the former mayor of Burlington.

Longtime Trainer Ash Ketchum remarked, “Not only have her stats increased—she’ll now be able to learn powerful moves like Hard Committee Question, Trust Bust, and maybe even Presidential Run!”

The recent changes have confused the original Sanders. He remarked, “Yah yah, sure, but who cares! We’ve got a new release on Pokemon Go, and there are no goddamn PokeStops in Vermont!”

The former Senator Warren replied, “We’ve got Pikachu. We’ve got Pacharisu. We’ve got Emolga! Heck, we even have a Togedemaru! So what if we have another Bernie?"

Although the Senators Sanders are doing well, other portions of the ship of state have not reached the same level of performance. Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) still has yet to hatch from his egg. “There’s at least a good 300-400 steps left before he can contribute to the team,” Professor Rowan of Sinnoh University explained. "It may be reduced to as few as 200-250 steps if the party contains a fire type.” 

On the other side of the aisle, leadership figures are quickly realizing that they may not possess enough badges to control some of their new additions. A source close to the administration commented, “It took some time to find a candidate who could learn to use the HM cut on Michael Flynn."

At press time, President Donald Trump's team was questioning how much more friendship and attention they needed to give the man before he could finally evolve into Responsible Adult.

© 2017