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Elmo Vows to Kill Mitt Romney, Disappears

Elmo released this photo last Thursday. It is believed to have been taken in his top-secret compound, thought to be located in the mountains of western Pakistan.

SESAME STREET- Elmo from Sesame Street has gone on the lam after vowing to kill Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Elmo, who was watching the first presidential debate on local aristocrat Count van Count’s TV with several other residents of the street, reportedly flew into a rage when Romney stated that, although he loved Big Bird, he would pull funding from PBS.

If PBS were to lose its funding, the station would almost certainly close, meaning the end for Sesame Street. The policy has received a great deal of scrutiny, most notably by urban economist Edward Glaser, who believes that a huge rise in Muppet unemployment will lead to a spike in crime. “We’re going to have massive numbers of Muppets with only a first-grade education at best hitting the streets. In this economic climate, jobs are scarce even for those who are qualified. We’ve seen this scenario before, and the desperate always turn to crime. I’ve never been held at knifepoint by a Snuffleupagus, nor do I want to, but I fear that’s where this nation is headed.”

"Elmo has a history with anger issues," said resident homeless man and anthropomorphized lump of marijuana, Oscar the Grouch "Last August Cookie Monster ate a batch of cookies that Elmo had made for himself. After that, he kept asking if the next episode could be brought to you by the letter T for ‘Thieving Bastard’. But this was different. The Count tried to calm him by counting but that just made him angrier. He said that all he wanted to count was Romney’s stab wounds."

Elmo’s connections with terrorist groups have been rumored since the infamous ‘J is for Jihad’ episode of December 2003. Further suspicion arose in 2007 when former al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden referenced a promising young al-Qaeda lieutenant dubbed the ‘Tickle Me Terrorist’.

However, not all are convinced of Elmo’s possible terrorist connections. “Elmo is a patriot and a good American,” said hard-right hard-rocker Ted Nugent on Rush Limbaugh’s radio show. “He’s just had a mental breakdown: he’s being forced into choosing between a commie and the man who will take away his home and his job.”

Romney’s security team initially reported that the campaign had received calls from Elmo threatening the Republican nominee. However, it is now believed that these calls were the work of a prankster sucking helium and performing Liam Neeson’s famous monologue from the film Taken. “The fact that the calls were a prank has not affected our security procedures whatsoever. Mark my words, we’re going to take the little red bastard down.”

Elmo is currently at large and is considered “armed and dangerous” by the FBI and Homeland Security.


© 2012