and entering

Facebook, You’re Despicable, But Potentially Less So If You Gave Me A Job

Lady typing on laptop
Once I rise to an upper management position, perhaps I can reform the organization from within
Dear Facebook/Mark Zuckerberg/whom it may concern:
As a film studies major at New York University, I have dedicated my entire college career to fighting for stricter data protection laws and increased government oversight on behemoth tech companies. I am writing to inform you how disappointed I was to hear that you’ve been mining users’ personal data and giving it out like free candy. I’m not surprised, of course. I saw this coming from miles away — in fact, I wrote a very compelling Twitter thread about it which you may have seen. But Facebook, this is unforgivable. Every moral, ethical, principled bone in my body tells me to rebel against the bloated corporate entity that is you. I can tell you right now that I will be deleting my Facebook account at once.
But on the low, though, can I still have a job? As you can see on my resume (attached), I have a demonstrated interest in technology and entrepreneurship, and I promise I am very well-equipped to work with massive amounts of data. Don’t get me wrong, I could easily have my pick of jobs working at a nonprofit or balancing a part-time barista job with a soul-sucking search for an entry-level entertainment job in LA.  But something about unlimited La Croix, tons of vacation days, and foosball whenever I want it is…compelling, shall we say.
I’m going to say something bold here, Facebook, but I want you to hear me out: not everything in this world is about money. Sure, I get that you’re a business and that you need to make money somehow and that a lot of your revenue comes from ads and that this sort of a deal was extremely monetarily beneficial, but you were harvesting and improperly using and sharing millions of peoples’ personal lives: their relationships, their wants, their regrettable middle school decision to Like Green Day fan pages. You’ve exploited the information of countless individuals for your own, material gain. But sometimes, I’m sneaky and exploitative too, which is why I think I am a perfect fit for the company culture.
How could you give my data to Microsoft, Netflix, and Amazon?! You may have shared my data without asking me, but they accepted it, which makes them equally as complicit in my book. Scoundrels, all of them! But also, do you think maybe you could let me know if there are any relevant people at those companies that you could connect me with?
Facebook, please do better. But still, feel free to shoot me an email or give me a call at any time of the day at the number listed below. In the meantime, I’ll be leading a protest calling for increased transparency and heightened regulation of big tech companies. Thank you for your consideration.
May (I be hired please) Jones
© 2019