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Flo Rida Could Decide the Election

Flo Rida proudly displays his pan handle.

MIAMI, FL -- Recent polling indicates that Flo Rida will likely decide the outcome of the 2016 presidential election. Although Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have visited Flo Rida dozens of times in recent weeks, neither candidate has been able to establish a definitive lead. According to the latest CNN survey, 44 percent of Flo Rida is leaning towards Secretary Clinton, 43 percent is leaning towards Trump, and 13 percent wants “Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur (with the fur).”

Flo Rida’s notoriously hard-to-predict voting patterns have long befuddled campaign strategists. During this year’s Republican primary, Flo Rida shocked political pundits by voting for Donald Trump instead of Marco Rubio, who has been Flo Rida’s senator since 2011. Senator Rubio later confided, “Losing Flo Rida in March really spun my head right round, right round. When you go down, when you go down down like that, it’s always tough to move on.” The former governor of Flo Rida, Jeb Bush, also failed to live up to expectations in the primary and still seems shaken by his loss. At press time, Bush was seen softly whispering to himself. “I get a feeling that I never never never never had before, no no.”

Hoping to avoid the fate of Rubio and Bush, both Clinton and Trump are planning to spend additional time and money on Flo Rida. Yesterday, Clinton pledged that local grassroots organizers would make a million calls to Flo Rida from now until Election Day. Not to be outdone, at a rally earlier today, Trump made a concerted effort to distinguish himself from Clinton, exclaiming, “I alone love Flo Rida!"

With the candidates so dead even, some are predicting that Flo Rida’s vote might need to be recounted after the election. However, Clinton dismissed the idea, pointing out, “No one wants to see Flo Rida’s hanging chad.”

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