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Giant Robot Eagle Named as Secretary of Homeland Security

Noted photographer Annie Leibovitz took this portrait of the robot eagle when it was a congressman from Idaho.


In a surprise move, President Barack Obama has nominated a gigantic robotic bald eagle to Secretary of Homeland Security. 

“I want you all to close your eyes for a second and imagine a repeat of Hurricane Sandy next year, a superstorm that destroys the lives of millions of Americans and inflicts billions of dollars of damage,” the President said in a press conference.  “Now picture this huge bad-ass bald eagle swooping down and dropping all kinds of awesome shit out of its humongous talons.  I’m talking food, potable water, medicine, rafts.  How cool would that be?”

In past days, the makeup of Obama’s new cabinet is becoming clearer.  Other nominees include Senator Chuck Hagel as Secretary of Defense and Senator John Kerry as Secretary of State.  Napolitano is considered a contender for the Attorney General slot.

When asked about the appointment of the mechanical avian rumored to be the size of a commuter jet, Napolitano supported the President’s decision. “You’ve got this giant bird, it’s got this awesome red white and blue belly that can open up to launch all sorts of drones and bombs, its feathers are made of the bones of our enemies—I mean, this thing is amazing.  I’m so proud to be part of an administration that embraces this kind of kick-ass technology.”

The eagle, which also has eyes that shoot lasers and an isatiable taste for Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia ice cream, is expected to be approved by the Senate easily, due to wide bipartisan support.  Among the eagle’s most fervent supporters are conservatives concerned about illegal immigration.

“Are you kidding me?  Of course I like it,” said Arizona Senator Jeff Flake.  “Say you’ve got a bunch of illegal aliens trying to cross the border.  Boom!  Here comes the eagle.  It just picks them up and throws them back to Mexico.  No one's gonna mess with El Eagleo.”

Sources close to the eagle, which prefers to go by its given name, “Thomas Jefferson”, note that it is capable of being everywhere at all times, and that when it takes to the skies, all dangers facing America will instantly be turned into piles of ashes and dust.  Additionally, they report that Thomas Jefferson is honored to be nominated, and plans to have a very fruitful relationship with the President and the rest of the cabinet.  

© 2013