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GMO Labeling Referendum Voted Down by Sentient Corn Harvest

Pictured: The newest members of the Tillamook County Board of County Commissioners

Willamette Valley, OR—After weeks of fiery rhetoric on both sides of the issue bombarded the state's 3.9 million residents, Oregon’s GMO labeling referendum ultimately faltered at the polls. Initial disbelief at the numbers—442,456 in favor to 9,723,481,122 against—quickly turned into resentful acceptance after realizations that the entire MON 832 corn crop voted against the measure.

Farmer John McCulloch, the Monsanto-licensed farmer behind the haul, witnessed the beginnings of the surprising result: “It was about a week before I send the corn off north to the processing plant. I’m outside making the usual preparations, ensuring each corn cob has good hiking boots and a map to the Nabisco factory. I remember I was arguing with Simon—who had been nothing but trouble since he sprouted in April—who wanted me to replace the plant fertilizer with red meat. Suddenly, three USPS trucks show up and dump a few billion state ballots on my mailbox.”

According to public records, Oregon, which allows casting ballots by mail, has no clause prohibiting crops from voting. When asked why, State Rep. Carl Trevors replied, “To be honest, we never considered the possibility. But I’ll give the issue a closer look.”

Unfortunately for Trevors, he won't be able to do much: just-finalized election results show he lost his seat by a mere 4,039 votes to Jarvis Parks, a russet potato from North Portland.

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