WALTHAM, MA — In a conference for Boston-area academics last night, leading intellectual Gnome Chomsky issued a statement criticizing U.S. hedgemony.

"The US is ruthlessly spreading its horticultural practices across the world," argued Chomsky, who is known for his theory of universal yam-mar as well as his work in international lawn. "Olive the grassroots moo-vements in developing countries are being suffocated by our hedgemony. We are soiling our international image, so lettuce put an end to this radish behavior now. I orange you all to join me in pruning back American influence, instead of beeting these countries over the head with our ideologies, supplanting foreign leaders, and fenneling money into terrorist organizations." 

Chomsky also publicized his upcoming book Herban Disfunction: The Fall of the City, in which he advocadoes for cultivating public awareness of the trowel-sty of American cities.

"We can’t afford to be on the fence any longer—the air is artichoked with smog," Chomsky warned, shaking a dirty spade at conference-goers. "Baby bloomers, it’s time for your children to reap what you’ve sown."

Gnome Chomsky was seen exiting the conference with Gnome Elkies, who delivered a talk about algebraic fields.